We're the first to admit that, as mailing lists go, we're occasionally amusing. In fact, we think we're pretty damn hilarious. Which is why the Ineffable Ms Barr (Co-moderator, Grand High Zen Archivist, Priestess of Poolboys, Keeper of the Shrine to Bujold, Co-Vice Mugwump and Example to Everyone) has compiled the Zendom Quote List. Zendom: Out of context, out of character and out of control.

Warning: profanity happens.

Bitter old fan queen t-shirts on sale in the commissary yet?
Lori, the very first post

I think the issue of who is a bitter old fan queen vs. who is bitter because she's not yet a bitter old fan queen needs to be addressed. In fact, it needs an entire mailing list dedicated to it...
Jemima

I can crack a wet noodle good as anyone.
Lori

It's just me and Lori trading koans.
Jemima

It's a postmodernist fandom. There is no subject of our attention. Which means, of course, that it's just about us, and we are our own greatest fans ... which nicely sums up most of the undergraduate postmodernists I know...
Liz (yes, I'm including myself. I'm funny too, you know.)

The first thing to remember about anyone who says they are a postmodernist is that anyone who says they are a postmodernist automatically isn't...
Christine

It cries out for fanfic. I'm blocking my ears...
Jemima, on SU2

A proper gripe should leave your audience laughing at the foibles of TPTB and the BOFQs. An improper gripe drives your audience into the hinterlands of fandom, where they fritter away their talents on C/7 haiku and mailing lists about nothing...
Jemima, waxing philosophical

I take no responsibility if I come up with something really funny.
Liz, on restraining the snarkishness

"Picture Vulcans being very vague and mystical - sort of like Spock after his resurrection."
"Sure, but I refuse to do LDS."
"Uh, Mormonism is not required."
Jemima and Lori on the concept of zen

Yay! Someone actually reads my recs!

And oh shit. Someone actually reads my recs. ::runs frantically to page to check for runs in stockings, exposed slips, food between teeth::
Jintian

"Liz, you're already slotted to not-beta the stories."
"Can I not-parody the not-stories as well?"
Jemima and Liz discussing the Non-Virtual Season, which turned out to be incredibly zen in that it didn't exist.

I suppose I could not procrastinate a lot about the story I'm not going to write...
Christine gets into the non-spirit of things

>davie the good monkeey. that is what i am calling him. what
>YOUshoudl call to him. he is to be given hugs and kiss!!!! you r
>kisses would burn like easter egg vinegar in my eyeball!! davie
>would not like you ever. you or your nappy pee peehole. is it for
>his shortness?????????? he cannot help with that! short= gay to
>you???. who heard of such thing????? you would say a mason rees
>is gay to!!! he is
>not. TRUST ME. you and your black and colors backgrounds. with
>flower. be nice to davey and he will be nice to you, you sillly
>silly ass pumpkin.. you need rest for your mental. youre brain is
>wackadoodle. you are not longer allowed to do anti-davie. i am
>banning you and your horriblenes. there isn't a cucumbers in
>davey's heinee!!!! DONT TYPE THAT. he may read and feel sad!
>what you type is poo on my computer. i see it on brady bunch
>with marhsa. she did not wash her cheeks. that is how you hsould
>be being. nice girl with no cheeks washing. not gay davie cucumber
>heinee talk!!!!!!! please do not talk of cucumobers. it is bad and
>wrong and not good...
anonymous feedback for some Monkees slash. The source of zenzine's name

Boys are bad for you. And so is goofy laughing.
Christine, offering sage advice on Liz's personal life

Two kinds of fics inspire: those that are so good you want more of the same, and those that are so bad you must rescue the drowning puppy of plot from the muddy waters of... well, you get the picture.
Jemima waxes philosophical

"How do you categorise pool boy fic?"
"Let's see... inflatable, wading, Doughboy, backyard, public and Olympic-sized?"
Liz and Lori

Zendom - all poolboy all the time. Can that be our slogan?
Christine

The idea of Krycek/Poolboy is also not unappealing.
Jintian, being helpful

I'm so incredibly zen, that it's almost scary. Or it could be that the drugs are finally kicking in.
Seema

Any more zen, I think I'd float.
Seema, again

Pool boy/pool boy slash?
Liz

Yay! Quote lists!
Liz, feeling prophetic

"What the hell is 'easter egg vinegar' anyway?"
"The world may never know..."
Christine and Jemima

I crave the attention...
Liz sums herself up

"Can I review your review?"
"Hell, you can parody my review if you want."
Jemima and Liz

(Liz: I'm bored. Not so bored that I'll proofread this review, but bored. Review, review, review, this episode is kind of familiar ... hold on, which episode am I reviewing again?)
Liz descends into self-parody

Is very strange. Very, very strange. Rather like easter egg vinegar in the eyeball. Reading dis meks me feel lik a sillly, silly ass pumpking...
Lori discovers Real Person Fic

"I got as far as the NC-17 Lion King fic."
"As long as it's the lions having sex with each other and not the authors inserting themselves into the act..."
Lori and Seema visit fanfiction.net

Excuse me while I go wash out my brain.
Lori

As if minesweeper fic wasn't bad enough...
Lori, still bemused by fanfiction.net

With reality like that, who needs parody?
Lori. Again.

"If B'Elanna swings a bat'leth on the holodeck and misses, did she really commit an act of violence?"
Lori, getting zen

Anyone up for Solitaire fanfic?
Seema

No more standards - I'm only going to toss them out the window one day.
Christine

That's it - I'm now officially fucked up for life.
Christine

"Part A ends up in slot B."
"You're such a romantic, Jemima."
"I make a distinction between free biology lessons and romance. Call me a Puritan..."
Jemima and Liz, on smut

I think I've rubbernecked at too many fan fiction accidents.
Jemima

It doesn't take him long to find the whore of his dreams.
Jemima, reviewing "The Eye of Argon", said to be the world's worst fantasy novel.

Overall, The Eye of Argon is a refreshing splash of vinegar in this jaundiced fic-reader's eye.
Jemima, again

If we post to our site, and no one advertises that we're posting on it, who besides us is gonna read it?

And does that mean we do not yet exist?

ohmmmmmmm...
Lori grapples with the mystical rituals of site promotion

Or does everything go through the Great Liz Barr?
Seema. (Not a funny quote, but something that Liz felt deserved repetition.

"Yeah, but don't let it go to your head or nothing."
"Naw, Liz is all humble, and stuff..."
Seema and Lori on Liz's acquisition of the label "great"

I've had cats appreciate my laptop, but never my writing...
Jemima

Let's just say that I'm an International Man of Mystery...
Amo Los Pescados, introducing himself

"Toaster oven??? I was promised a George Foreman grill, single person size! what gives? Seema gets a whole toaster oven?"
"Thus a splinter group is born -- the zen of equity in bribery."
Lori and Seema give birth to an in-joke

"Sorry. It was on the registration form, right between a lifetime supply of spatulas and a Neelix blow-up doll. Maybe Jemima can change your order?"
"I claim the Neelix blow up doll! Wait -- is he naked?"
Seema and Liz

Do we have standards?
Jemima

I think I'm going to go hide behind Lori now.
Seema

I thought you were ordering us around. We need order to keep ourselves from sinking into the unbetaed mire of fandom-at-large.
Jemima seeks orders in chaos

"Welcome to the madhouse. The anti-depressants are over on the refreshment table, next to the pretzels."
Liz rolls out the welcome wagon

I grok slash.
Jemima

"Maybe my own answers to your questions lurk within.... maybe not. I'll get back to you. Or not."
"Now that's zen..."
"Ohhhmmmmmm..."
Lori and Seema

Et tu, Mary Sue?
Lori

I refuse to take the blame for your muse's bad behavior. Really I do. Whether it be for smut or "Pretty Woman," not my fault.
Seema.

Still, in the grand scheme of the things, fanfic addiction is not such a bad thing... I could be in prison.
Seema

"I'm in the mood to make hamburger out of a sacred cow."
[whips out the grill] "Where's my burger, Chef Barr?"
Liz and Jemima

There is no boring J/C, only bored J/Cers.
Jemima

"I love you, Kathryn."
"I love you too, Chakotay."
"Will you marry me?"
"You've made me the happiest woman alive. Yes!"
"Aw."
"Aw."
Liz demonstrates boring J/C

December is now officially the month of smut.
Seema

If the smut gets broadcast on prime-time television, it's not just canon, it's a whole new religion.
Jemima

Kashyk Kashyk Kashyk Kashyk ... not that I'm obsessed or anything.
Liz

I haven't done anything this fraught with unexpected consequences since I started this list.
Jemima, on getting into Buffy

Spike *is* evil, in his own fluffy bunny wabbit way.
Jemima

Ignorance is bliss - just ask a jetcer.
Jemima

I had every intention of letting him poolboy in full leather. So what if he gets a little sweaty?
Jemima on having James Marsters as her poolboy

A flame war seems to pull out a whole new breed of talent.
Seema

You're going to have to go a lot further than that to offend the locals. Here, let me demonstrate...
Jemima

People are strange, don't you think? My characters make sense. But not people. I think I'll retreat into a nice safe slash world...
Gail

There should be a law against overweight middle aged clowns in leather.
Lori

And off I go, to swipe Picard's kidney, except he falls in love with me. But I'm terribly intimidated by the thought of a stepdaughter who's older than I am (I'm 29, remember?) and even though he begs and pleads and offers to quit Starfleet and devote his entire life to massaging my feet, I take a fancy to the poolboy instead...
Lori

Other people only encourage newbies, which is nice for the newbies but leaves the old-bies feeling unwanted. Then again, maybe we *are* unwanted.
Jemima

There are other uses for butter knives, too. I could change my mind and tickle him with it until he agrees to perform a strip tease for me.
Lori

And I knew, at that moment, that I was completely, totally, head over heels, in love with Lori.
Seema writes Lori/poolboy

Characters and places belong to Paramount with the exception of Lori, who is a Real Person and appears in this fic with permission. Sean Connery and Russell Crow are also Real People and appear in this fic without their knowledge or permission..
Seema's disclaimer (with help from Gail).

Unadulterated Blog Rape.
Lori

Oh come on Lori, you know, I've always had a crush on you...
Christine says what we've all been thinking

Zendom... the sound of one fan squicking.
Lori

Picard: What the hell. Number One, get the Romulan ale. Wes, reroute the holodecks to put the redhead in engineering, maybe we'll get some work done. Worf, find a way to keep Troi from talking.

Worf: [unzips pants]YES, SIR!
Lori

You wrote about having a crush on Lori?
Seema, to Jemima

Quick tour of the premises. Marshmellows and toasting forks available in the kitchen. Starbucks coffee always available. Lori is the dispenser of Clorox and toaster ovens. If you wander down towards the pool, you'll find our poolboys down there. Feel free to bring your own.
Seema gives the grand tour of the Zen Resort

Maybe everyone's over at ASCEM watching the Troll and Sock Puppet Fest in progress.
Lori, on the apparent death of ASC

I'm such a wet noodle when it comes to moderation.
Lori, back in the days before she was the official List Heavy. Also her second mention of wet noodles. Anymore and we'd have an in-joke on our hands.

Hmmm. Sound of Music fic. Maybe one in which Liesl marries a tavern owner and becomes a lush, much to the dismay of the captain.
Lori

"Wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki!"
"Is it weird that I started dancing to this?"
"Wiki dance! Everybody wiki dance!"
Liz and Lori embrace the lunacy

"The future is Slytherin."
"Congratulations, you just made the quote list."
Jemima and Liz

"Hey Christine! I roped some -- er, solicited another article! When does my hot tub get here?"
"As soon as I can find a padded envelope big enough for the darn thing."
Lori and Christine

I am the cashew of fanfiction.
Vera

Liz Barr likes to divide her time between her Fic Compound, where she blogs and writes fic in several fandoms, and the Zen Resort, where she likes to unwind with a cocktail and a poolboy. Her hobbies include the Flying Monkey Training Program, various mutual admiration societies and Big Shiny Boots. She has something of an addiction to quote lists. But she can give up any time she wants. Promise.